Laziness

Today, while I was procrastinating, I thought back to a couple of incidents from my childhood that predicted the laziness that I often experience personally today.  When I was in third grade, I remember my dad being very upset with me when he read my second-marking period report card.  My teacher called me smart, but lax in doing my work.  I didn't understand what the word "lax" meant.  My dad explained that I was lazy.  I didn't understand.  I did my work, right?  I understood my work.  But my problem is, I did everything at the last minute.  I only gave my work cursory attention, to say that I got it done.

Fast forward a few years later, to sixth grade.  I clearly remember field day at the junior high school I would be attending the following year.  The school was a regional school.  Meaning there were many other schools that would be sending their current 6th graders there for 7th grade the following year.  Field day was the first opportunity for the potential classmates to meet before 7th grade started.  There were all types of events, obstacle courses and games there to do that day so that we could become acquainted.  We were placed on teams with other students we likely did not know.  The last event of the day was a 100m race.   I was NOT a runner.  Not because I couldn't be, but because I never tried.  But at field day, it didn't matter.  Everyone had to compete, without exception.  When it was my turn to race, I remember being nervous.  There were other girls there that just LOOKED fast.  One of these girls seemed especially tall, lanky and confident.  A dead giveaway that she was a great runner, in my mind.  But I mustered up some courage and when it was time to run down the track, I gave this race my all - for about 95m.  You see, I recall being very close to finishing first for the majority of the race.  But I was out of shape and out of breath.  So at the very last five meters, I just gave up.  I visibly slowed down and basically walked across the finish line, while all the other kids ran past me to the end.

This is a pattern in my life. I did the same thing during the final race of my senior year in high school.    Just a few years after this defeat, I found myself loving to run.  I actually broke my school's 400m record.  Senior year, I was in the Meet of Champions - the last race of the track season in our state, where the best runners in the state competed against each other.  I was ranked 12th in the state for the 400m.  It was my last chance to really put my mark on the 400m race.  But, all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have to run track anymore after that.  I was going to college on an academic scholarship, and I was looking forward to no more hard practices...no more speed workouts...rest.  So, I gave the beginning of this race my all, and then at the end, I very visibly gave up.  I didn't walk across, but I got mentally tired about 300m into the race and I told myself I did not have to push.  The end was near.  Just make it to the end.  I was relieved to be at the end.

I think about all of these things now and how they are a part of my psyche. Right now, considering my professional future and looking at my career past, I see that I have a habit of just trying to make it until the end.  I oftentimes just give up.  I don't give anything my 100%. I give my "good enough."  I wonder how different things would look if I gave one thing - something - anything - my all?  I did do that with the bar examination a few years ago.  I gave it full focus, attention and primacy in my life and I was successful.  I don't even know where the strength came from for that, because I did it with three kids.  But right now, I have such a hard time giving anything the same focus.

How about you?  Where do you struggle?  Do you have a similar habit of just giving up?  If this is something that you have dealt with or have overcome, any suggestions are appreciated!