Narrow Way

Today I am listening to a sermon by Paul Washer.  A sermon that he preached in 2002 at a youth conference.  It condemned American Evangelical Christianity.  It is soul-searing.  It is heart-wrenching.  It is eye-opening:

I don't have much to say today.  I am pondering this message and its application to my own life.  I encourage anyone, even if it is only one person who reads this blog, to listen to this message.  Paul Washer is not known for niceties or mincing his words.  This message is powerful and very relevant, even 15 years later. You have to listen to the very end.  Please, think about your salvation, your walk with the Lord and your commitment to denying your flesh and instead holding fast the the Lord's promises, benefits and taking the narrow way to follow the Lord. The way leads to Glory, but is marked with suffering and persecution.  It is not an easy road, but it is worth every step.  

What is our Purpose?

Last week I spotted this vehicle, while in thought, and I had to take a pic.  Isn't this the question of a lifetime?  What is our purpose?  Is there even a singular purpose for any of us?  Professionally, I have been repeatedly asking myself this question.  Yes, I am an attorney, but what is the purpose?  I graduated law school 10 years ago, in mid-twenties, when I barely understood myself.  What I thought was my purpose at that time has changed drastically.  And I imagine that my idea of myself will continue to change as I get older.  My ideas about work, about why I do it, how it can be useful and impactful to others, things I would have never considered 10 years ago, continue to shape who I am today.  And that person is vastly different than she was in 2007.

We have all been endowed with great gifts and talents, treasures in jars of clay, molded by the Lord Himself, to give Him glory.  The prayer is that our daily work will help us utilize those gifts in a way that glorifies the Lord.  But that may not be the case.  Is it possible that sometimes our purpose is not even tied to our gifts?  I think so.  Part of our reason for being here on this earth may be to help others in a way that has nothing to do with our gifts, but ultimately is still firmly rooted in our purpose of giving God glory.

There was a time that I thought that my purpose was to be a civil rights attorney.  I thought that I would be making lots of money, have my student loans paid off, never marry, never have kids and living life on my terms.  And then...I met my husband.  I fell in love and married him immediately after law school ended.  I got pregnant...and three children later, my life is nothing like I envisioned it, but it is something that I cherish and would never change.  I have never had a job that I truly desired - I have instead compromised and acquiesced to the Lord's provision for me, which is what I have truly needed.  And I am grateful for all of the places that I have worked.  For all of the great and all of the terrible people that I have met, for the stories I have to tell and for the blessings that I have received.  BUT, how is any of this tied into my professional purpose?

I don't know.  I do know that there is no such thing as a singular professional purpose, at least for me.  I do know that we can be used for and we can all do so many things.  Good and bad.  Professionally and unprofessionally.  But I wonder, today, if I am doing what I am supposed to do?  Is there something else out there that I am missing?  Am I blooming where I am planted?  Am I growing, learning, yielding to God's will for me in all areas of my professional life?

Laziness

Today, while I was procrastinating, I thought back to a couple of incidents from my childhood that predicted the laziness that I often experience personally today.  When I was in third grade, I remember my dad being very upset with me when he read my second-marking period report card.  My teacher called me smart, but lax in doing my work.  I didn't understand what the word "lax" meant.  My dad explained that I was lazy.  I didn't understand.  I did my work, right?  I understood my work.  But my problem is, I did everything at the last minute.  I only gave my work cursory attention, to say that I got it done.

Fast forward a few years later, to sixth grade.  I clearly remember field day at the junior high school I would be attending the following year.  The school was a regional school.  Meaning there were many other schools that would be sending their current 6th graders there for 7th grade the following year.  Field day was the first opportunity for the potential classmates to meet before 7th grade started.  There were all types of events, obstacle courses and games there to do that day so that we could become acquainted.  We were placed on teams with other students we likely did not know.  The last event of the day was a 100m race.   I was NOT a runner.  Not because I couldn't be, but because I never tried.  But at field day, it didn't matter.  Everyone had to compete, without exception.  When it was my turn to race, I remember being nervous.  There were other girls there that just LOOKED fast.  One of these girls seemed especially tall, lanky and confident.  A dead giveaway that she was a great runner, in my mind.  But I mustered up some courage and when it was time to run down the track, I gave this race my all - for about 95m.  You see, I recall being very close to finishing first for the majority of the race.  But I was out of shape and out of breath.  So at the very last five meters, I just gave up.  I visibly slowed down and basically walked across the finish line, while all the other kids ran past me to the end.

This is a pattern in my life. I did the same thing during the final race of my senior year in high school.    Just a few years after this defeat, I found myself loving to run.  I actually broke my school's 400m record.  Senior year, I was in the Meet of Champions - the last race of the track season in our state, where the best runners in the state competed against each other.  I was ranked 12th in the state for the 400m.  It was my last chance to really put my mark on the 400m race.  But, all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have to run track anymore after that.  I was going to college on an academic scholarship, and I was looking forward to no more hard practices...no more speed workouts...rest.  So, I gave the beginning of this race my all, and then at the end, I very visibly gave up.  I didn't walk across, but I got mentally tired about 300m into the race and I told myself I did not have to push.  The end was near.  Just make it to the end.  I was relieved to be at the end.

I think about all of these things now and how they are a part of my psyche. Right now, considering my professional future and looking at my career past, I see that I have a habit of just trying to make it until the end.  I oftentimes just give up.  I don't give anything my 100%. I give my "good enough."  I wonder how different things would look if I gave one thing - something - anything - my all?  I did do that with the bar examination a few years ago.  I gave it full focus, attention and primacy in my life and I was successful.  I don't even know where the strength came from for that, because I did it with three kids.  But right now, I have such a hard time giving anything the same focus.

How about you?  Where do you struggle?  Do you have a similar habit of just giving up?  If this is something that you have dealt with or have overcome, any suggestions are appreciated!

Coupon-clipping Lawyer?

I remember when I was in law school - I was broke.  In undergrad I worked in CVS for three years, part time.  It was a great job - kept me focused and away from trouble, gave me a discount on food and personal care items and a little money in my pocket.  It was while working there that I was exposed to the wonderful world of coupling.  I learned how to stack coupons for extra savings and how to make a dollar stretch.  When I got into law school, I kept up that tradition of coupling.  I was working full time as a paralegal during the day and attending class at night.  I needed to make every dollar stretch.

When I was in a group study session one evening, I made a comment about coupling when I became a lawyer.  It was  part of my psyche at the time, and I knew that I would continue to do the same thing once I was actually a lawyer.  One of my study partners firmly stated that I would no longer have the time to coupon, and I really would not need to anyway, because my income would obviate that need.

Well, I have come to learn that not every lawyer makes at $200k income.  Especially one, like me, who works for a charitable non-profit.  And when your student loan debt looks anything like mine, you are likely to consider doing everything in your power to limit expenses.  I still coupon.  I still look for deals on food.  I make living below my means a priority.  I cook from scratch.  Eating out is a luxury that we rarely afford ourselves these days.  We are literally throwing every dollar saved at this debt.  And it feels good.  I love showing my children how to be fiscally responsible.  They love learning.  We are selling stuff we don't need or want, taking care of what we have to make it last longer, budgeting, and making the most of every day.  This is stewardship.  This is how we give God glory with what He has entrusted to us.

Thinking...

Today is Monday.  First day of the week, and that means back to work.  After a very busy weekend with zero rest, I feel like its going to be a doozy.  Of course, there is the possibility of a snow day tomorrow, so I will grin and bear it.  Why are Monday's so hard???

Today, I will be thinking about future career choices.  I am good at many things, but I feel like my legal skills need sharpening.  I handle so many different legal issues every day, that I know a lot about a little, but very little about a lot :)  Still listening to "Do Over" by Jon Acuff.  It is a very good book that speaks much about skills, character hustle and relationships.  And it has me thinking about all four of these things...how do you attain more skills without going back to school?  How do you attain more skills within your current position?  What happens when your superiors do not encourage that type of professional growth?  How do you attain those skills yourself?  Lots of questions that, at the moment, I cannot answer.

INFJ Lawyer

Last night I took a personality test.  I am trying my best to figure out what is the best route for me to go professionally.  I don't know if I have said it before, but I am a lawyer.  I practice in-house at a local non-profit.  I used to be very happy in my position, but slowly I have been feeling like I am not growing.  I am not challenged.  At the very beginning of the year, I tried to find happiness and more of a challenge in the position by making long lists of tasks that I wanted to complete, hoping that I would busy myself into loving the job more.  But, as the tasks have been checked off my list and with nothing more to add, I have been becoming increasingly frustrated.  I feel that my time is slowly coming to an end, but I want to make a calculated move next.

The personality test, which I have taken occasionally over the years, gave me significant insight into what makes me tick.  It hit the nail on the head by indicating that I am a writer.  I love to write and struggle with this blog because the perfectionist in me gets frustrated by the fits and spurts that I write here.  I want it to be all or nothing - either I write every day and grow the blog, or I never write because it is too much of a mental burden to think about how I am neglecting this space.  I also love to counsel people and help them to find solutions to their problems.  This seems very lawyerly, right? Right.  But one of the frustrations that I had in private practice was that there were social issues that the law could not correct, and I did not have sufficient time to give my clients assistance with the peripheral issues that were impacting their daily lives more than the law could.  Nevertheless, my sessions with each client would be longer than necessary, as I would get wrapped up in their stories.

But what does all of this mean?  Where can I go next that will help me to use all of my gifts?  Or is it even possible to use all of these gifts and talents in the position that I currently have?  I would love to assist the HR department in employment investigations or employee relations, but for some odd reason, I don't think that department desires outside help. So, how do I bloom where I am planted? Or is it time to re-plant somewhere else?

I think I could thrive in the law with another employer, but I am really thinking that I should explore some other career areas, especially HR, higher education and ... I don't know.  If I can get into a position, such as student-advising, in higher education, then I could take free classes in another area that may help me boost my resume and land a lasting career.  But, I also need to increase my income and higher education positions, outside of being a professor, don't pay very well.  The personality test suggested I explore careers in healthcare.  Maybe I should do that?  I don't know. I am so conflicted.  And I really want to make a smart move, but I don't feel like I am the one holding the cards.  (As a Christian, I am sure this is the spot where I should seek the Lord).  Okay, off to my prayer closet I go :)

4:00 in the Morning

It is a bit after 4 am, and I am undone.  I am so tired, but can't sleep.  My mind is heavy with the weight of issues that won't be resolved at this early hour.  On a Saturday, when all I want to do is sleep in, my mind won't rest.  Lord, please give me peace.

I'm thinking about career moves.  Is it time for me to move? Am I really ready? And if I don't make a leap now, what is the alternative? Stay at a job where I am growing stagnant? Where I am not challenged?  What marketable skills do I really have? These are the questions that forced me out of sleep and won't let me go back.

I love to write.  I love to edit.  I even love this neglected blog.  But I don't know what I should do.  I don't even know what the point of this blog is.  As I read other blogs and see how they grow, mostly because of the author's dedication and consistency, I realize that I don't have either of those attributes: dedication nor consistency.  I love to journal...and I think that these brief moments of inspired writing (typing?) here in this space, are just a quicker way for me to get my thoughts out.

So, let me do just that: mind vomit, so that I can go back to sleep.  I really want another job.  I would love to work in a place where I do more writing, but writing about things that matter to me.  Things that engage my mind.  I want to be challenged, and in this way, I would have to do some things that would take me beyond the limits of my small, boxy comfort zone.  If that is not possible, I need to find a way to make my current job more profitable, and more challenging.  I don't think my boss wants that for me right now, but I need it. I am suffering and stifled. Although I am grateful for the flexibility this job has afforded me, I am really kind of over it. I would love for a job that allows me to work virtually.

I want to expand my network.  I want a mentor.  A woman in the same or similar industry that can help me navigate my career path.  I want to cut my hair but am afraid that I will be too lazy to style it well.

I want to start running again.  I want an early morning running buddy, preferably in this development, or in the surrounding area.  I want to run a 10 mile race before the year is out.  

I want to be an ova-lacto vegetarian, as meat and me and grains and me are not getting along very well.

I want to pay off my car and my private student loan.  This year.  And I want another job that pays me well enough to do it.

I want to be a better wife and mother with more energy and more desire to do things in the house (and more time to do it as well!)

Okay, I think that is it :)