Exhaustion

This picture has nothing to do with the post.  I just like it and needed more than just words :)

It is 2017.  Praise God and what in the world?  These are the feelings I am having right now.  I was so happy when the clock turned to midnight on January 1.  I was so full of the excitement for the possibilities a new year holds.  I was full of resolutions, ready to get started.  I am a type A, and I always feel on Sundays (the first day of the week) and January 1 (the first of the year),  I can start over.  A new diet, a new attitude towards marriage, a new way to interact with my children, more diligence at work, on the diet, etc., all now seem infinitely possible. YES, I can do this! I can make this year better than ever!  This is what I want to scream over the mountain tops (which are nowhere to be found in the flat, completely sea-level region of the country in which I live).

Nevertheless, I never take into account the exhaustion that is sure to come after my attempts to make all things in myself new.  I am so exhausted today.  Yesterday, while my husband was away, I tried so hard to get a long to-do list accomplished.  I had visions of getting every chore and task done by 8 pm, so that I could take a long, hot bath, watch a chick-flick and get to bed early.  My Fitbit has been telling me that I don't get sufficient sleep.  I was dead set on getting everything done by8.  I set out the day with fierce determination.  Bible reading and praying done by 8 am - check....snacks joyfully doled out to children who awakened much earlier than is necessary on the weekend - check!  I was WINNING! I ignored the fact that I had to make breakfast and that the counter and sink were full of dishes from the previous day that I was too tired to tackle.  Still I wanted to maintain the good attitude and dogged determination that was driving me forward.  And I did!  I listened to podcasts about motherhood and parenting, multi-tasked until my hands were dry and carried a water bottle around the house while kindly instructing my children on their responsibilities.

Soon, however, it all began falling apart.  I wanted to stay on task and only do those things on the list.  However, its hard to vacuum a room when the floor is covered with toys that have yet to be put away. Times that by three when you count the other children's room and the living room.  Breakfast, lunch and dinner making were not on my list either...and neither was washing the dishes and cleaning the kitchen three times for all of those meals.

Then comes the boredom.  Yup, boredom.  From my children, that is.  Constant whines of "Mommy, I'm bored!" "I don't have anything to do!" and then grunts, sighs and stomping when I assign chores to help overcome that sense of boredom.  Boredom is often served up with a side of "Mommy, she (fill in the blank with some obnoxious thing another sibling did or said, or some slight or oversight caused by that or another sibling)."

Running up and down three flights of stairs all day, carrying baskets, replacing bedding on each bed, washing dishes, taking out trash (in several inches of snow) wore me out well before the sun went down (which happens fairly early around here because - WINTER). At one point, I hid in the bathroom, scrolling on my phone for just a two minute break from the arguing children, list of tasks that was taunting me and to breathe, when a child frantically knocks on my door to advise me that my daughter has just vomited.

It was at that point that I just wanted to walk away and keep walking.  What a terrible feeling.  It comes with its own set of guilt, bitterness and resentment.  Exhaustion will do that to you.  Funny, the  scripture reading in my Devotional Daily Bible spoke of these exact same sentiments in Hagar, Abram's second wife.  Hagar was Sarai's handmaiden.  Sarai was very old and had not been successful in having children.  She knew the Lord promised she and Abram a child, but she tried to circumvent the virtue of having patience while waiting on the Lord.  She told Abram to take Sarai to wife, so he did, and Hagar became pregnant.  Sarai became jealous and started to hate Hagar and dealt harshly with her, causing Hagar to flee.  But an angel from the Lord found Hagar hiding by a fountain and told her to return to Sarai AND SUBMIT to her!! He made no excuses for Sarai's behavior, he did not promise the behavior would improve or that conditions would get easy.  He told her that the Lord had a plan for Hagar's seed - that her son would be a wild man, who would be rebellious and cause tremendous conflict.  (Wow, this does NOT sound like it is enticing enough to make me want to return at all).  Lord, help me to keep all of this in mind while I go about my daily tasks!  It is not about me, it is about YOU!

The truth is, I am tired.  I am so exhausted.  I am determined to serve the Lord with joy and to offer a sacrifice of righteousness, but I am not sure what that looks like.  Does the fruit of this self-sacrifice and service look like having a spotless home?  Homemade meals every night?  Well-behaved children?  Bubble baths at the end of a long day?  I know that the exhaustion is a temporary affliction, but I also don't know how to make it stop.

I have to be honest with myself and everyone else around me: this is a really hard season for me right now.  I am tired, I am overworked, underpaid and under-appreciated.  Time with friends is very limited.  Desire to do anything more than sleep if I have free time (what's that?!) is uncommon.  I don't want to be the mother and wife that looks back on this time in my life with regret and resentment, or who has a heart attack at an early age after years of trying to do and be everything.

Last night, after completing less than half of the things on the super long list, I ended the day on the couch with anxiety, anger, bitterness and a bit of pain in my stomach.  I stayed up too long reading blogs of women who had been in a similar space, and forced myself to sleep after finding a similar opinion on each blog that a lack of sleep could produce symptoms akin to rage, schizophrenia, psychosis (not really, but that is what it feels like) if not taken by the horns.

This morning, I woke up with a different determination.  Some clarity.  I need an outlet.  God has provided one here.  I think about this space almost every day, but have not been able to make the time to DO this.  We have one computer (which my husband and children horde) and the phone app costs money.  I prefer free, thank you! But writing is a catharsis for me.  As with running, it helps me to make sense of the craziness that I sometimes feel that could potentially lead me to do something rash - like walk away and keep walking, leaving behind the vomit, laundry, trash and dishes.

I will try to commit to using this space at least once a week to get my thoughts together.  Help me, Lord, to glorify you in this space.  Speak to me in this space and in my head-space, so that I can serve YOU with gladness and joy.